Finally NOT procrastinating in posting this post. Just that I’m feeling a little stressed and I gotta get some stuff duplicated from my head. Not that I think it’ll help anything… “Someone will see it one day.” probably not but whatever lets get on with the post.
School:
Oh school. I guess I can begin this one with my current school, Lemon Bay. Well, I’m really freaking miserable there. Don’t get me wrong it’s not a torture chamber, I’m not getting butt fucked by a hairy prisoner or whipped by a bondage addicted whore all seven hours of the day. No. It’s just your average everyday high school which is probably why it’s so hard on me.
You would probably assume that I’m not the most social person on planet earth. You’re right. It’s just so hard to be accepted you know? All my life I’ve just been that one guy whos kinda funny but a total tool- that’s when I’m social. So I figure if I just avoid talking to people they can think whatever they want about me and it wont really matter anyway because I don’t know them. That and the guilt for what I did years ago keeps me spending more time convincing myself I hate everyone than actually interacting with them. It creates an anxiety inside thats hard to conceal at times. But onward we go.
The work is so easy I could ace it if I had one eye and stomach full of vodka. However these past couple weeks I’ve just kinda stared at my work and put myself to sleep. Whenever I’m about to do something I subconsciously ask myself “why am I doing this?”, I guess to avoid wasting time or something. But lately that question has returned little or no value back to my brain. I feel like we go to school now not to learn, but to stay out of trouble. Plus I could care less about taking classes that don’t directly relate to what I’m interested in. I think they throw those in there to make the country look smarter in the long run. Quite honestly I don’t need your ‘fun facts’, just give me what I need so I can get out.
Home:
If I ever get a girl pregnant, Run me over feet first with a steam roller. I have a strong dislike for children thanks to ‘babysitting’ my siblings. My stepdad is a 40-year-old rockstar and my mom is a hard working student and nurse. So I get screwed with the kids a lot. At first it didn’t really matter, not like I had any plans of my own anyway. These kids are terrible though; literally all they do is eat, shit, and argue. Listening to them argue is just like having a chimpanzee rape your ear nonstop. And it kinda depresses me, because even though I’m a whiner myself, I TRY to be happy. Then when I gotta scream at them it makes me feel horrible inside, because if you knew me you know I hardly raise my voice at all. Not only that but it’s in vain because they don’t listen to me anyway.
My stepdad can compare. Ever since we moved in with him he’s shot down my ideas with comments that made me feel like such a worthless idiot. After a couple years I learned not to tell him things. Which in turn kinda messed up a lotta things mentally. See I think children have a NEED to tell parents whats wrong so that they’re parents can lie and make it all better again. Even in the third grade I made the conscious decision to shut myself in. Back to today, I still can’t and won’t tell my parents anything. I don’t blame them as much anymore though, because it’s me who can’t get two words out as vivid as they seem in my head. It’s messed up my relationships with just about everyone, I still call him by his real name and not “dad” after almost 11 years. And I can’t even feel an ounce of love for anyone family wise.
which brings me to my next topic.
Love:
What is love anyway? When someone says “I love you” I have the intense feeling to gag myself with a spoon. I hate it most when teenage ‘lovers’ say it to each other though, mainly because they abuse the shit out of it then break up the next week. I myself can’t really say much because I’ve spent my life denying it exists.
But I don’t know, there’s someone I just can’t get off my mind no matter how hard I try. She’s been stuck in there for so long now I can’t even count. I remember back in middle school before we met I would kinda glance over her and tell myself “yeah right, there’s no way”. Then we became close friends shortly after, and I couldn’t believe it because I’d never had a friend I could literally tell everything to. Which is probably why I ended up saying too much too often. I assume I got addicted to venting after a lifetime of keeping it all inside. Long story short I bugged her till there was nothing left, and blamed it all on her.
I finally came to my senses, told her what I did, why I did it and apologized. She said she forgave me but it still bugs me so bad. We’ve been keeping in contact and hanging out a lot lately, which I’m very thankful for. But now that feeling of attachment and memories are coming back and I- Well this part of the post IS about love isn’t it? I don’t know that I can really say I ‘love’ her, seeings that I don’t know what love is, or feels like. But there is certainly a strong feeling there for her. I think the rest of the guys can’t see past the beauty, they fall in ‘love’ when she looks in their direction.
Me? well. I just wish she could know the truth, if it were ever possible for me to spill out every single detail. I know that it’s not, our language just doesn’t have enough emotion in it. On a side note that’s one thing we can relate to though, we’re not really comfortable sharing emotions with people. Ah well, I’ll probably never tell her any of this. Not because I’m afraid she’ll deny me or anything, I just don’t want to make things awkward and have her gone again.
Because honestly, I spend my whole day sitting at school and sitting at home. I’m tired of feeling like I’m wasting my time sitting here being jealous of everyone who’s living. I hear from everyone everywhere “enjoy your youth ‘cause it doesn’t last long”. I just… I don’t know. I know there’s hardly a difference between me and the other guys in line, maybe I’m a little better at not doing anything creepy, but all the same I know I don’t deserve her. She’s so entertaining and admirable, all her interests intrigue me. The stress and work that school puts on her makes me think of her like a superhuman. And her latest task to become a christian has caught my attention as well, because I’ve never been a full out christian myself. But anyway…
My Point:
I’m stressed because I don’t know how to express feelings accurately. Being both at school and home makes me think low of myself and absolutely kills my motivation. I’m tired of living my childhood as everyone’s slave. I want to be able to tell her the truth without fear of her leaving me behind. She’s one of the few I have left and my last chance at closure. I need her to help me teach myself how to live, to give me some good memories before the reality has to kick in. I need her to teach myself what it’s like to love.
Welcome to the inter-workings of my mind, Observe the gears carefully. We wouldn't want you to get lost.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Friday, January 6, 2012
A little taste of life.
Just thought I would catalog something that happened to me almost 2 years ago. Every once in awhile you get a chance to really feel alive. And this was my moment, revised to fit a basic description of my thoughts.
__________________________________
At first this dance really sucks, everyone having fun and hanging out. Me? I'm just sitting in this chair watching them migrate across the floor, some more graceful than others. The music is lame and the food tastes bland. The twiddling of my fingers makes it obvious that I'm slightly nervous. As you start to approach I turn my head in a different direction as if I'm avoiding the fact that your headed towards my basic location. After all I've never been one to take initiative.
You've got a slight bashful grin on your face as you take the chair next to me. My fingers are uncontrollably gripping my leg and the arm of the chair. You immediately turn and when I look up all I can see is the piercing glare of your eyes. To break the silence you ask me how I'm doing tonight. You ask me why I'm sitting all alone, and why I've barely moved from my pedestal. I tell you that I'm alright, I just don't have very much experience with people, my hands slowly stop their movement and rest on my lap. You send one of those sympathetic smiles my way and lay your hand on my arm. I may or may not have jumped slightly. You tell me it's alright, and without warning You pull me up out of my plastic sanctuary and lead me out onto the dance floor.
Such great timing it was that a 'slow' song came blazing through the speakers. It's one of the worst songs I've ever heard, I don't even know why they're playing it. But you've already wrapped around me, my eyes meet yours halting all thoughts ,making you my top priority. The first minute or so is so full of tension. Hold tight, move somewhat this way and that way, avoid eye contact as it causes a twitch somewhere inside me. My mind is split between wanting to hold you forever and bail from the nervousness.
Soon the song progresses into chorus and I can feel myself start to relax. The song slows down and reality almost seems to freeze as a new feeling passes through me and time slows down. Suddenly nothing seems to matter anymore, and we've been standing here for eternity. The only thing that seems to hold any meaning to me is you, the beautiful artifact in my arms.
The song speeds up and the room begins to spin, I can't help myself but to hold on to you as some kind of lifeline. Our heartbeats are moving explosively fast while the music takes it's intense course. The world rotates so quickly, and when the music suddenly stops I feel a slight imaginary dressiness. As much as I don't want it to be over, I don't want to let you go, the real world finally fades back into our minds and you look up at me and smile.
__________________________________
Shortly after the room fades black and I wake up from the memory in whatever location and shitty reality I was in when I looked back. See the thing about memories is they can be both precious and damaging. I loved that time so much, It was the best thing I've ever felt in my whole life. But the more I think about it the more it shoves my loneliness and mistakes in my face. Maybe I'm just another psycho hopped up on hormones, but none the less that horrible feeling I get when I think is strong.
It will eventually eat me from the inside out.
__________________________________
At first this dance really sucks, everyone having fun and hanging out. Me? I'm just sitting in this chair watching them migrate across the floor, some more graceful than others. The music is lame and the food tastes bland. The twiddling of my fingers makes it obvious that I'm slightly nervous. As you start to approach I turn my head in a different direction as if I'm avoiding the fact that your headed towards my basic location. After all I've never been one to take initiative.
You've got a slight bashful grin on your face as you take the chair next to me. My fingers are uncontrollably gripping my leg and the arm of the chair. You immediately turn and when I look up all I can see is the piercing glare of your eyes. To break the silence you ask me how I'm doing tonight. You ask me why I'm sitting all alone, and why I've barely moved from my pedestal. I tell you that I'm alright, I just don't have very much experience with people, my hands slowly stop their movement and rest on my lap. You send one of those sympathetic smiles my way and lay your hand on my arm. I may or may not have jumped slightly. You tell me it's alright, and without warning You pull me up out of my plastic sanctuary and lead me out onto the dance floor.
Such great timing it was that a 'slow' song came blazing through the speakers. It's one of the worst songs I've ever heard, I don't even know why they're playing it. But you've already wrapped around me, my eyes meet yours halting all thoughts ,making you my top priority. The first minute or so is so full of tension. Hold tight, move somewhat this way and that way, avoid eye contact as it causes a twitch somewhere inside me. My mind is split between wanting to hold you forever and bail from the nervousness.
Soon the song progresses into chorus and I can feel myself start to relax. The song slows down and reality almost seems to freeze as a new feeling passes through me and time slows down. Suddenly nothing seems to matter anymore, and we've been standing here for eternity. The only thing that seems to hold any meaning to me is you, the beautiful artifact in my arms.
The song speeds up and the room begins to spin, I can't help myself but to hold on to you as some kind of lifeline. Our heartbeats are moving explosively fast while the music takes it's intense course. The world rotates so quickly, and when the music suddenly stops I feel a slight imaginary dressiness. As much as I don't want it to be over, I don't want to let you go, the real world finally fades back into our minds and you look up at me and smile.
__________________________________
Shortly after the room fades black and I wake up from the memory in whatever location and shitty reality I was in when I looked back. See the thing about memories is they can be both precious and damaging. I loved that time so much, It was the best thing I've ever felt in my whole life. But the more I think about it the more it shoves my loneliness and mistakes in my face. Maybe I'm just another psycho hopped up on hormones, but none the less that horrible feeling I get when I think is strong.
It will eventually eat me from the inside out.
Friday, October 21, 2011
been thinking. been worn out.
I'm back, my readers who don't exist.
I'm gonna spare the details of things and just skip to that part where I document how I feel like a worthless teenage girl. Anyway, all in all I guess I'm just tired. I think way too much about things in the past, but I can't really help it you know? I just always end up thinking about everyone and what I would do if I could live it again. Maybe it's because I haven't really lived in awhile. Seems all I ever do is school, eat, shower, and sleep. My minibike is almost done, which is good in a normal person eyes. That's always kinda been my 'thing' to keep my head on straight. Been dragging that project along for over a year now just to give me something to do. I guess I could always spend my time riding her. I mean it is a vehicle right? I just don't know. Really lately I've just been wanting another relationship, not because I think a daily dose of cheesiness will help me. I'm really craving that drug of feeling alive. And from my experience so far relationships provide the best- most abstract version of that drug. But who am I kidding, I'm too shy and locked away and broke for girls. So anyway. That concludes this update post.
I'm gonna spare the details of things and just skip to that part where I document how I feel like a worthless teenage girl. Anyway, all in all I guess I'm just tired. I think way too much about things in the past, but I can't really help it you know? I just always end up thinking about everyone and what I would do if I could live it again. Maybe it's because I haven't really lived in awhile. Seems all I ever do is school, eat, shower, and sleep. My minibike is almost done, which is good in a normal person eyes. That's always kinda been my 'thing' to keep my head on straight. Been dragging that project along for over a year now just to give me something to do. I guess I could always spend my time riding her. I mean it is a vehicle right? I just don't know. Really lately I've just been wanting another relationship, not because I think a daily dose of cheesiness will help me. I'm really craving that drug of feeling alive. And from my experience so far relationships provide the best- most abstract version of that drug. But who am I kidding, I'm too shy and locked away and broke for girls. So anyway. That concludes this update post.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
My Last Day
Day 8,
So I'm a weak late, I DONT GIVE A FUCK OKAY!?
I'm sorry, I haven't been myself lately. My uncle is pissed at me cause hes an ass, I miss having anyone, I hate how the kids are brats, I can't be home no matter where I go.. yeah fucking awesome.
Anyway today was the last day of school, I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not yet though. School was my only alone time you know? no you don't, cause no one is there.. today was enjoyable for all my old friends I left behind, Me? I just stayed my fucking anti-social self...
I hate my life, I would drink bleach but I don't want to spend the next hours throwing it back up..
This hasn't been the most productive post.. I don't care anymore, nobody reads this bullshit anyway. And I'm sure as hell not showing anyone unless I'm on my deathbed..
Which reminds me.. I'm gonna start my bucket list... perhaps that will be my next post..
So I'm a weak late, I DONT GIVE A FUCK OKAY!?
I'm sorry, I haven't been myself lately. My uncle is pissed at me cause hes an ass, I miss having anyone, I hate how the kids are brats, I can't be home no matter where I go.. yeah fucking awesome.
Anyway today was the last day of school, I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not yet though. School was my only alone time you know? no you don't, cause no one is there.. today was enjoyable for all my old friends I left behind, Me? I just stayed my fucking anti-social self...
I hate my life, I would drink bleach but I don't want to spend the next hours throwing it back up..
This hasn't been the most productive post.. I don't care anymore, nobody reads this bullshit anyway. And I'm sure as hell not showing anyone unless I'm on my deathbed..
Which reminds me.. I'm gonna start my bucket list... perhaps that will be my next post..
Friday, May 20, 2011
Origami Kitteh
Me, having nothing much to talk about anymore, has decided to post about my retarded cat. Sad isn't it? yeah, I'll get back into posting one day, but for now your gonna have to live with my random shit. deal with it.
So I'm watching my gay TV (It's a piece of shit and half the screen stays black) and "The Fat Ass" (what an awesome title to hold) walked over to a folded piece of poster paper on the ground. At first I was thinking he was just going to lay down on it (I don't see how cats can be comfortable anywhere, their lives shouldn't be so good.) But instead he placed one foot (or paw?) on the folded side of the paper, and with the other paw attempted to unfold a corner of the paper of the SAME side his first paw was already on.
And for AT LEAST ten minutes I was memorized by this cats attempt to unfold the edge. But his determination (no joke, this cat's face was more serious than serious itself) brought me to thinking; what if my lazy fat ass cat is actually a f'cking origami ninja? Perhaps this feline wasn't attempting to unfold the paper but get that corner to turn into a mother f'cking mouse. Maybe my cat is a sex god too, hell yeah, I bet all the pussies love him. Maybe my cat isn't a cat at all. Maybe my cat is Jesus and he's gonna damn everybody to hell for poking his fat rolls.
Nah, there's no way. My pissy-fat-dumbass cat is pissy, fat, stupid, and useless. nothing more... or is he?
So I'm watching my gay TV (It's a piece of shit and half the screen stays black) and "The Fat Ass" (what an awesome title to hold) walked over to a folded piece of poster paper on the ground. At first I was thinking he was just going to lay down on it (I don't see how cats can be comfortable anywhere, their lives shouldn't be so good.) But instead he placed one foot (or paw?) on the folded side of the paper, and with the other paw attempted to unfold a corner of the paper of the SAME side his first paw was already on.
And for AT LEAST ten minutes I was memorized by this cats attempt to unfold the edge. But his determination (no joke, this cat's face was more serious than serious itself) brought me to thinking; what if my lazy fat ass cat is actually a f'cking origami ninja? Perhaps this feline wasn't attempting to unfold the paper but get that corner to turn into a mother f'cking mouse. Maybe my cat is a sex god too, hell yeah, I bet all the pussies love him. Maybe my cat isn't a cat at all. Maybe my cat is Jesus and he's gonna damn everybody to hell for poking his fat rolls.
Nah, there's no way. My pissy-fat-dumbass cat is pissy, fat, stupid, and useless. nothing more... or is he?
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