The Things I can't say

Finally NOT procrastinating in posting this post. Just that I’m feeling a little stressed and I gotta get some stuff duplicated from my head. Not that I think it’ll help anything… “Someone will see it one day.” probably not but whatever lets get on with the post.

School:

Oh school. I guess I can begin this one with my current school, Lemon Bay. Well, I’m really freaking miserable there. Don’t get me wrong it’s not a torture chamber, I’m not getting butt fucked by a hairy prisoner or whipped by a bondage addicted whore all seven hours of the day. No. It’s just your average everyday high school which is probably why it’s so hard on me.

You would probably assume that I’m not the most social person on planet earth. You’re right. It’s just so hard to be accepted you know? All my life I’ve just been that one guy whos kinda funny but a total tool- that’s when I’m social. So I figure if I just avoid talking to people they can think whatever they want about me and it wont really matter anyway because I don’t know them. That and the guilt for what I did years ago keeps me spending more time convincing myself I hate everyone than actually interacting with them. It creates an anxiety inside thats hard to conceal at times. But onward we go.

The work is so easy I could ace it if I had one eye and stomach full of vodka. However these past couple weeks I’ve just kinda stared at my work and put myself to sleep. Whenever I’m about to do something I subconsciously ask myself “why am I doing this?”, I guess to avoid wasting time or something. But lately that question has returned little or no value back to my brain. I feel like we go to school now not to learn, but to stay out of trouble. Plus I could care less about taking classes that don’t directly relate to what I’m interested in. I think they throw those in there to make the country look smarter in the long run. Quite honestly I don’t need your ‘fun facts’, just give me what I need so I can get out.

Home:

If I ever get a girl pregnant, Run me over feet first with a steam roller. I have a strong dislike for children thanks to ‘babysitting’ my siblings. My stepdad is a 40-year-old rockstar and my mom is a hard working student and nurse. So I get screwed with the kids a lot. At first it didn’t really matter, not like I had any plans of my own anyway. These kids are terrible though; literally all they do is eat, shit, and argue. Listening to them argue is just like having a chimpanzee rape your ear nonstop. And it kinda depresses me, because even though I’m a whiner myself, I TRY to be happy. Then when I gotta scream at them it makes me feel horrible inside, because if you knew me you know I hardly raise my voice at all. Not only that but it’s in vain because they don’t listen to me anyway.

My stepdad can compare. Ever since we moved in with him he’s shot down my ideas with comments that made me feel like such a worthless idiot. After a couple years I learned not to tell him things. Which in turn kinda messed up a lotta things mentally. See I think children have a NEED to tell parents whats wrong so that they’re parents can lie and make it all better again. Even in the third grade I made the conscious decision to shut myself in. Back to today, I still can’t and won’t tell my parents anything. I don’t blame them as much anymore though, because it’s me who can’t get two words out as vivid as they seem in my head. It’s messed up my relationships with just about everyone, I still call him by his real name and not “dad” after almost 11 years. And I can’t even feel an ounce of love for anyone family wise.

which brings me to my next topic.

Love:

What is love anyway? When someone says “I love you” I have the intense feeling to gag myself with a spoon. I hate it most when teenage ‘lovers’ say it to each other though, mainly because they abuse the shit out of it then break up the next week. I myself can’t really say much because I’ve spent my life denying it exists.

But I don’t know, there’s someone I just can’t get off my mind no matter how hard I try. She’s been stuck in there for so long now I can’t even count. I remember back in middle school before we met I would kinda glance over her and tell myself “yeah right, there’s no way”. Then we became close friends shortly after, and I couldn’t believe it because I’d never had a friend I could literally tell everything to. Which is probably why I ended up saying too much too often. I assume I got addicted to venting after a lifetime of keeping it all inside. Long story short I bugged her till there was nothing left, and blamed it all on her.

I finally came to my senses, told her what I did, why I did it and apologized. She said she forgave me but it still bugs me so bad. We’ve been keeping in contact and hanging out a lot lately, which I’m very thankful for. But now that feeling of attachment and memories are coming back and I- Well this part of the post IS about love isn’t it? I don’t know that I can really say I ‘love’ her, seeings that I don’t know what love is, or feels like. But there is certainly a strong feeling there for her. I think the rest of the guys can’t see past the beauty, they fall in ‘love’ when she looks in their direction.

Me? well. I just wish she could know the truth, if it were ever possible for me to spill out every single detail. I know that it’s not, our language just doesn’t have enough emotion in it. On a side note that’s one thing we can relate to though, we’re not really comfortable sharing emotions with people. Ah well, I’ll probably never tell her any of this. Not because I’m afraid she’ll deny me or anything, I just don’t want to make things awkward and have her gone again.

Because honestly, I spend my whole day sitting at school and sitting at home. I’m tired of feeling like I’m wasting my time sitting here being jealous of everyone who’s living. I hear from everyone everywhere “enjoy your youth ‘cause it doesn’t last long”. I just… I don’t know. I know there’s hardly a difference between me and the other guys in line, maybe I’m a little better at not doing anything creepy, but all the same I know I don’t deserve her. She’s so entertaining and admirable, all her interests intrigue me. The stress and work that school puts on her makes me think of her like a superhuman. And her latest task to become a christian has caught my attention as well, because I’ve never been a full out christian myself. But anyway…

My Point:

I’m stressed because I don’t know how to express feelings accurately. Being both at school and home makes me think low of myself and absolutely kills my motivation. I’m tired of living my childhood as everyone’s slave. I want to be able to tell her the truth without fear of her leaving me behind. She’s one of the few I have left and my last chance at closure. I need her to help me teach myself how to live, to give me some good memories before the reality has to kick in. I need her to teach myself what it’s like to love.