Saturday, April 30, 2011

The Silent button

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Friday, April 29, 2011

stupid girl

Day 5,
I'm not sure if my "cure" is working. Lately I've been attracted to this one girl, at first it was only cause she resembled someone I knew. But know that I've gotten a somewhat closer look, I realized how beautiful she actually is... I don't have the stamina to go in full description at the moment, but shes perfect in my opinion, and it's not everyday you find someone like that.

so she's been traveling about my mind for a few weeks now, but I've never been able to guess her personality until today. She accepted my friend request on Facebook (surprisingly) and I got a chance to read her posts and info. She defiantly resembles my old obsession, but is a more perfected version.

But I've been thinking a lot today and I know there's no way in hell that I've got a chance with her. (because of various reasons, age, having a boyfriend that's most likely in a band, etc.) So I also came to thinking about what I'm good at. Engines, computers, and drawing... that's awesome. No it really isn't. Girls want to be able to talk about the guy their dating like "my boy friend is a kickass guitar player." Not a guy that is good at taking shit apart... we engineers get no love.

But it's brought me feeling pretty low today, that I'm the only one who enjoys what I do and I have no life. I'm serious, I have absolutely NOTHING to look forward to (except that fucking hot emo-rocker chick.) When I'm home I gotta watch kids and sit here on my goddamn computer for enjoyment. When I'm at school I talk to one person all day and the food tastes like shit.

I just wish I could have something that people actually admired, instead of everyone trying to change me. I'm not interested in music, mainly because it would make my step dad proud of me. And I'm not interested in sports cause they just aren't enjoyable to me, unless automotive racing is considered a sport.

I don't know who to be anymore.. I obviously can't be myself... I can't turn into someone else.. I'm fucked.

"Sitting here like a loaded gun
I'm waiting to go off
I've got nothing to do but...
SHOOT MY MOUTH OFF


I know the world's got problems
I've got problems of my own
But they ain't the kind that can be solved with an...
ATOM BOMB


you know I gotta go out
Get something for my head
If I keep on doing this
I'm gonna end up...
DEAD"

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Joey Peterson

Who is Joey Peterson? A creation is the first description I can give.

I was nobody and I needed a friend. And what better friend but one exactly like you? I had already created a place where I could be free. But I needed a character, someone better than myself to run and play a role in all daydreams that took place in my city. As I got older the daydreams stopped being unique and things became darker.

The next word to describe him would be, an infection.

Who knew I would meet real people. But you see, Joey doesn't take too lightly to being forgotten. He began to warn me with simple feelings such as short, spontaneous moments of rage or sadness, but I ignored them as a simple part of growing up. He became enraged, and because he is a piece of me he has the power to redesign everything I have ever dreamed of. He rewrote himself in his own image; A black top hat and suit with red tie, white gloves, and a white mask with black draining from the eye sockets.

This new image was not the main problem though.

He was able to modify the mainframe of my entire city, turning the people murderous, and turning all buildings to old-rundown blocks sitting on top of crumpled roads. He is also able to create emulations of people I admire, and turn them into enemies. He over exaggerates their image to something so pure and beautiful that I become addicted easily. But of course, he needs my attention completely focused on him. Once I'm addicted and in love with the emulation, He turns my perspective on them to something horrible.

With the emulations that resemble a real person, he injects noise into my communication so that I become distressed and panicked. When panicked I feel that I need to leave a situation, or person rather, in order to repair the problem. And he knows that. After I had no one left he felt that his original success was not enough.

He's trying to drag me in, to be with him in my city, although I don't know what he wants. It's quite remarkable how intelligent he has become, from a simple thought - to an emulation that can control itself. However he is not alive, he is an infection in my city, in my brain. I've tired deleting him, I've tried making him stop, and nothing has worked.

When he's chasing me down the streets of my city, he has a point to prove. when we stop at the end of the road, and he looks into my eyes, I realize how defenseless I am... how strong he is. This is no longer my city, I am no longer in charge of my own thoughts.

How the hell did he accomplish this, was it my blindness that gave him a way in? It doesn't matter. All that matters is that that infection is ruining me, he is dangerous, and he is trying to become alive. He will risk everything to do it to. Lately he's been keeping me inside my thoughts longer, he grabs me by the neck and flashes memories into my eyes to turn them against me. He wants me to worship him like he's the god. He's my creation and I need him to be destroyed, but as much as I want to do it myself, I realize it's not possible to do it alone. Unless I go down as well.

There's been a new emulation he's forced upon me in my city. The girl next to my fourth period, she's so beautiful, He didn't even have to do any edit to make me addicted. She's got that look that I crave, Jet black hair, almost paper-white skin, eyeliner drawn in the perfect shape around her crystal eyes. I have a feeling he is going to use her to take me over, as perfect as she is, I can't let that happen.


I wish I could kill him alone, but the fact is that it's not possible. I need help from a living, breathing human being... not another emulation. If only was able to let someone help...

Friday, April 22, 2011

Stupid Waitresses

I've been kinda pissed off lately (as if you couldn't tell.) and I wasn't going to share this, but I figured I needed to post something somewhat comical to keep the balance in my blog, and this was the only topic that could come to mind.

without further delay (that was a lie, there was still the delay from reading this sentence.)  I give you the Stupid waitress.

I swear, this lady should work with those def old ladies at champs cafe. But this woman, I don't think her idiocy was related to hearing, considering just how bad her service was. Now I don't hate the woman, she just disappointed me greatly.

First, I look at the menu and deiced that the most obvious thing to order would be Fish 'n' Chips. Simple, fried fish and french fries (by the way why do we have to call them french fries? just cause they're from France? screw that! you don't see the Italians making us say "Italian pizza" or Americans saying "American corn dogs." I wonder if they call them french fries in France... anyway.)

So I ordered the Fish 'n' Chips. I ask the lady, "Do you guys do beer batter here?" Yes. "Ok I'll have that then." After thirty minutes of waiting, I get four tiny strips of fish cooked in cornmeal batter. What the hell? Excuse me, but does beer sound anything like cornmeal? NO it doesn't. but I thought maybe they were just out of beer (yeah.. right... a bar out of beer, funny) so I didn't complain.

Next, My mom asks for a glass of sweet tea. Now I don't know about you guys but most people enjoy their beverages cold (unless it's coffee or something, whatever sweet tea should be cold!) And sure enough, she gets the tea and it has two cubes in it. And they weren't even the same shape as the ice in everyone else's drinks, so it was like "umm lady, where did you get these?" Then later, my mom asked for a to-go cup for her tea, so she got a Styrofoam cup which was good, but it would have been one hundred times better if the lid the waitress gave my mom wasn't a smaller circumference then the rim of the cup.

And lastly, the kids got a sundae with their meal, so I asked if I could also have one. I ask the lady "can I please have a small sundae with strawberry topping as well?" SURE, what would you like strawberry or chocolate topping? "umm.. Strawberry, didn't I already say that?." And after waiting twenty minutes for this lady to figure out how to distribute one scoop of ice cream from the machine to my table (It was like the ice cream came straight from the cow, and she needed to figure out the scientific method to convert it,) I finally got my sundae, with chocolate topping. WHAT THE HELL!!!!???? I SAID IT TWO FREAKING TIMES! I mean the strawberry topping looked like it was only food coloring but still, holy shit. how hard can it be to give us what we ordered? I didn't actually say that (unfortunately) but still.

well yeah she didn't get a tip.

I hope this relives some of that "what the hell is wrong with you" from my last few posts. I promise those won't be the last of those types of posts, once again the point in this blog is so that I can say EXACTLY what's on my mind. so if you don't like it follow another blog.

oh yeah don't participate in Homo-Deadcat-Necrophilia either, and if you do, at least have the decency to NOT tell me about it :b

Anger issues

Day 4
This has been a really shitty day.. So I guess I'm supposed to control my anger and hold everything inside. Umm hello, dumbass I've been doing that my entire Fucking life, and look where it's gotten me. Don't you think I should be allowed to release it.

See I used to be able to ignore it by working on projects. But now I'm grounded and don't have motivation for any of that. I just wish I had something to look forward to. I mean I'd rather be at school than here but, well everyone needs something to enjoy once in awhile. Everyone needs to release once in awhile. Everyone needs someone to talk to. But I feel I've lost everyone, which is why I post, it's a safe way of talking to myself. Because the last way ended badly ( Joey Peterson.)

Well I guess that's my notes for the week, goodbye for now.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Anger is my "HIgh"

I don't care that I thought you were beautiful, and still do.
I don't care that I reshaped my personality to talk to you.
I don't care that you were my best friend.
I don't care that you were all I had after my rampage was supposedly over.
I don't care that I wasn't what you expected.
I don't care that you bailed, then ignored me for a lame excuse.
I don't care that you hide behind your fucking smile.

you see, I've done a lot of thinking lately, wondering what I'm capable of... the thoughts, they've been evil.

I could have stolen you.
I could have forced you to do that impossible action.
I could have stripped you down to nothing.
I could have locked you in a cage with nothing but a camera lens to keep you company.
I could have starved you.
I could have shoved a blade into your empty stomach.
I could have savored your screaming as your black heart leaked down through your body.
I could have enjoyed the warmth of your blood in my hands as you left reality.

I've been so fucking mad at you, but not anymore...
You were the second obsession, another test in my construction of my mind's infrastructure. I thought it would be hard to replace you, but I was wrong.

I've found a new obsession, she's like an updated version of you. so far, all I have is a simple name that I managed to retrieve. But if I pay enough attention to events that happen, I'll be the expert.

Ancient history dies here, and the next chapter begins. I'll burn you like I burned everyone else. Not that I suspect it will bother you any, you've never been one to give a shit about others ideas. well... it was fun while it lasted, goodbye and I hope you enjoy the rest of your fucking life.

Today I remembered something important about myself, something that will change everything. 
so tell me, 
do you hate me yet?

Monday, April 18, 2011

I love these people

So an internet spammer decided to IM me through my email... I'm not sure how they got it (damn websites won't stop selling me email to rapists,) but anyway I decided to reply to this spammer who happened to be sending me porn. and I won the battle

Now now, I wasn't like "OMFG I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE THIS :D"... you know what.. read for yourself.

Roosevelt Wadleigh: Looking for my four leaf clover

ME: really?

Roosevelt Wadleigh: heyy, I was looking for people to chat 2 I found u in the yahoo directory

ME: no way.. who are you?

Roosevelt Wadleigh: My name is Stomry and I love chatting with new people.. Where are you from?

ME:: i know your a pedophile... or you want to send me link to porn... i dont want either of it

Roosevelt Wadleigh: Nice Im 22 years old i'm going to school.. Can i ask you a question?

ME: as long as it's not inappropriate

Roosevelt Wadleigh: lol, do want to see me on my web cam?

Roosevelt Wadleigh: i just got some new underwear.. want to see it?

ME: your a guy aren't you

Roosevelt Wadleigh: I'm on **insertpornlinkhere** if u wanna watch me

ME: i don't want to watch you... see i knew you were gonna send me porn links

Roosevelt Wadleigh: it's free just go there, you should see me, we can cam2cam

ME: i don't have a cam.. and u don't deserve to see me

Roosevelt Wadleigh: the site is strict about letting minors in so ya you need a card to verify that you're old enough.. sorry

ME: maybe if you didn't give minors your porn then that wouldn't be a problem

Roosevelt Wadleigh: it's totally safe but i understand if youu don't wanna do it..

ME: I understand that your annoying me... by the way... how much do you guys get payed.. you know to spam minors with your porn sites?

Roosevelt Wadleigh: **insertpornlinkhere** i just wanna know ur at least 18 before I show you the goods

ME: ONCE AGAIN.... I.... DONT.... WANT.... TO.... SEE... YOUR... PENIS!

Roosevelt Wadleigh: if youu do decide to come you'll see me i'm on there right now n about to get naked

ME: no way... mabey I should report you to the local police for giving a minor links for porn AND asking me to watch you do sexual things on the internet

Roosevelt Wadleigh: brb gunna grab some toys.. you think you're gonna come or naw?

ME: I dont know... It's a hard decision really, to decide whether I want to watch a looped video of some guy jacking off with what ever the hell your grabbing...

Roosevelt Wadleigh: kk

ME: Actually not really, I think I'd rather ignore you and enjoy my bagels... keep it in your pants fagot!


SEE! man people these days... anyway IT stopped sending me messages so I win.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Here we go again...

I know, It's Saturday (aka one day past the day I'm supposed to make a log entry for my cure) well i don't care... better late then never

Here we go again, buckle in and enjoy the ride.

Day 3,
This has been a really shitty week. Between Fcat, getting sick for a day, and another thing I don't really want to go into great detail about.

basically, I finally realized that it wasn't worth the effort to be used anymore. I hate people like that, they pretend that your their BEST friend, then they use some lame ass excuse to ease their way out of the friendship.... that's a summary of what happened. I hate people, I guess I don't need "friends" anymore either.

also, the kids have been a lot more bitchy lately, with their horrible attitudes. I'm not sure if it's their age, or the kids on the bus, or the fact that IM supposed to be raising them. I honestly don't know.. but It's going to freaking stop... even if I have to slap the shit out of them.

Yeah, I really don't want to be the "good kid" anymore. It doesn't have as much glamor as it used to. I remember when I people used to make their appreciation known that I did something helpful. Now, I have to raise these fucking kids, and the only thanks I get is getting yelled at for doing something incorrectly. "OH YEAH, well maybe you should grow up and get off your fucking computer and raise your own fucking kids, you know the ones you haven't lost yet." - I wish I had the nerve to say that....

anyway, this hasn't been the most proactive cure log... I'm done for now.. goodbye

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

My City

There's a place I like to go sometimes. It's not too far from reality, actually. It's a place I've spent my whole life imagining, creating brick by brick. It was once a place of enjoyment for me, but after the recent outbreak of rage It's become more of a prison. I can't tell you the number of times I've tried tearing it down, but there's always that piece of my mind that creates beyond my control. When I turn to burn another building to the ground, it rebuilds as soon as my back is to it. The only mystery and interest left in this place lies in the road that ends in mist. know one knows for sure what's on the other side, and everyone's afraid to find out.

but there has been something new, something beautiful. Down in the southeast corner of this town, near the road and the mist, near the building covered in graffiti from bad memories, sitting in the bench staring into the mist with the warmth of the sunset faintly visible, is you.

I'm not sure when you got here, I don't know what your purpose is, I don't know why you sit in that damn bench and stare into nothing. When I'm feeling overwhelmed I often find it comforting to approach you in that red-orange glow. I stop walking and sit down on the bench next to you, but you hardly even recognize that I'm there. You never have anything to say, don't you know you control everything here? Your a creation that can control my whole world. When your happy the faceless citizens of my city casually walk, as if they're in slow motion. When your angry they become insane, murdering each other and committing other senseless crimes. And when your sad they all drop dead, like someone stole the life right out of them, turning them into useless rag-dolls littering the streets.

But there's more to it than that isn't there? There's a hidden darkness behind that crooked smile, I know it. your always hiding away staring into the mist. And every time I come close to being aware of your secret, you become enraged, day quickly fades to night, and you disappear.

The people on the street know who you are, and their just as curious as I am. They say they can hear you screaming for help in the middle of the night, however, no one can pinpoint your exact location. They say you stare into that damn mist because beyond the mist is the place where things are forgotten. I've seen people walk out there myself. They're always wandering so willingly, like they've got no where else to go. There are no screams, there is no sound, and they never return. How do you know when your existence is ready to be forgotten?

Then there's also the man in the mask, nobody knows his name. But I know what I need to know about him, He is my anger and depression, and he's extremely dangerous. Most of this town's damage was at his fault, when he takes over you are no longer in control of my city, He infects the mainframe that this city runs on, and the people chase after me like mindless zombies. When I get to the road you're already gone off your bench, cowering in your secret sanctuary. But the Pursuit halts, and the people slowly go back to their wandering. And he stares at me through that white mask, through the darkness in his eye sockets, and says "It's not over yet, you should have listened." He adjusts his top hat, turns around, and steadily walks around the corner of the building. And when I turn my head back towards the bench, your there again, with your crooked smile, staring in the distance.

There's no doubt, my city is filled with corruption. It's more obvious at some points than others, either way though I am always fully aware of the danger here. Repairing, now that's an idea. Any attempt I make can get fouled easily by just the very presence of this place. I need to walk away, that's the solution. I need to let you go, and kill the man in the mask.

...But I'm not quite ready to walk into the mist yet.

Fcat

Today is the last Fcat day... i think. I remember in third grade when the Fcat was the most important test in the world, and I thought that because it had the word "cat" in the name that it would make it somehow less painful. I was wrong.

This year it was extremely easy though, which is weird. The reading was short and I didn't even have to read the whole passage to find the answers. And with math, the test it self was easy ( which is also weird cause I hate math), but the testing room was like torture.

First they shove me into this desk that's like 2 feet high, but I'm 6'1 and need somewhere to store my legs. and to add to it the chairs are small (like being in preschool again) and their tall- not like a bar stool, still they're almost as high as the desk. so I'm in this really odd position already but NO! that's not all. to avoid any cheating (they don't trust me, how nice of them) they make us scoot up until our stomachs are crammed against the keyboard. It was like being attacked by rabbid Chinchillas.

anyway the tests were easy this year, or I managed to gain some intelligence.. (but considering all the shit I've been thinking about this year.... I HIGHLY doubt that's the case)

Monday, April 11, 2011

Confessions

Dear Reader,

I have a few confessions i need to get off my chest. First, I kinda got married to a random hooker. It's not that she's the most unattractive person on earth, it's just that well... nobody wants to receive a package that everyone has opened up and manhandled. And the funny thing is, I don't even remember how we met. Perhaps I was a little too wasted from that bar I went to earlier that afternoon.

That's another thing i was at a bar yesterday afternoon. I guess I was feeling kinda down from my recent ex leaving me behind. It's still kinda blurry how that happened as well. From what I can gather it was just distance increasing to arguments to throwing glass objects at each other to nuclear warfare. What was causing the distance? well I had recently created a child that I didn't mean to create nor did I have the stamina for the stress It would cause.

Here's confession #3, I have a child. You know it was another anniversary that just kept getting better. A couple nights in a Vegas hotel, we got drunk, we played around a little bit, we had fun OK!? well turns out that when people are drunk they often forget things like protection from children... AND STDs.

Which leads me to the next confession. I have AIDS. you know, i never thought this would happen. I was always like, "man, you'd have to be a complete idiot to catch an std." Turns out I fell victim to my own opinions. And I always thought that SHE was the clean one. Not like her sister... ugh this woman is so dirty that mud isn't even attracted.

But we all make mistakes right? So what I thought was going to be a great night ended in me marrying my ex-girlfriend's slutty sister and having a child that I never wanted with a side of AIDS. I think i can still be forgiven. and that brings me to my last confession...

well... since I'm taking all this time to confess... I might as well confess that I never had sex in Las Vegas, I never had an undesired child or caught a deadly STD, I never went to a bar to get completely wasted, and i defiantly didn't marry a dirty hooker. however, I am getting an F in history and a D in math. It took a lot for me to confess that, after all I've never been a good student, but I hope you can forgive me.

sincerely,
GrabbinChikinz

Sunday, April 10, 2011

My blog is beautiful

i just added a bunch a crap to my blog! made a new header, and a new background, wider layout, pages (look under the header).... it's getting there. next i want to make my post wrapping have some transparency so the background can be seen.

AND i came across something fairly interesting on my quest to find music to display on my blog.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Idiotic lunch ladies

Being a student with no car or cash to get Mc.Donalds, I usually look forward to the attempt that was made in making a fairly edible piece of slop at lunchtime.

Well today I decided to have the spaghetti with shitsauce - as I call it ( it's a secret recipe.) When I got up to the counter, the elderly man - wait was it a man? ... I dont think it was... Anyway IT asked me what I wanted. So I politely paused my music and CLEARLY said "everything, no veggies"
( hey I'm not unhealthy, champs cafe just dosnt know how to heat vegetables, sad isn't it.) So instead of listening to my simple request, she gives me a dirty look and avoids the sauce completely. By now I'm already thinking to myself "WTF!?"

Now if dry mystery meat isn't a foul enough excuse for lunch, I get to the second lunch lady at the register. And she asks if I want a salad. "no thankyou." so she puts the salad on my tray anyway. ( now I'm pissed, I even said thankyou, AND I HATE ranch dressing!)

But still, I didn't even complain ( not openly at least.) which was certainly an extreme accomplishment. And I still somewhat enjoyed my spaghetti with shitsauce.
( no you can't have the recipe )

I'm my own shrink

Day 2,
Wow its been a week already? Oh well. Today wasnt bad, however I am extremely tired of spending weekends playing xbox ( which by the way I get made to feel guilty if I quit when I want.) on another note, I'm not sure if it's this "cure" or if my perspective change helped me feel better, but I really have been improving. Im also hating my step moms decision to take away my weekend break from my fucking step brothers ( who if you cant tell are pissing me as i write this.) And My ability to make the rest of my high school years as good as last year is not highly influential. Anyway I seriously don't enjoy posting these as much as my other random posts.. Well.. Yeah I guess I'm ok for now... Cya next Friday "cure"

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

My rat's new obsession

Apparently my barking rat isn't the only one with an obsession, considering I keep posting.

Anyway my step brother decided it was a good idea to throw the family chihuahua up in the air, however his ability to catch her was hardly used as much as his mind, which was being used to find an excuse for the dogs possibly recent concussion.

When she hit the ground her teeth met the tile floor and of course, my step dad was extremely worried. But weeks later she's back to normal EXCEPT, now she is obsessed with me.

What the hell. I mean I like affection but interspecies relationships just arent my thing ( not that I have nor plan on trying them out.) everytime I walk in the door she whines extremely loud, but when ever someone else does it's nothing but loud YIPs from her attemp at being a big scary monster. Everyones like, " seriously? " the only thing strong about this dog is her smell. Have you ever been to a dock ( you know the place where they catch fish.) yeah me neither. But if I DID go to one I bet that's what it would smell like. My nasty chihuahua.

I'm just saying I'm getting tired of this dog, even if she is obsessed with me.

Let's turn around before this gets any worse...

I just realized that my first post resembled something from my old blog. Let me take the moment to inform you the rest of them probably won't be like that... Hopefully.

On the other hand I'm really hungry, and since my mom received 8 bags of potatoes from whomever ( god I'm guessing ) were gonna be having potatoes for the next month. But hey, better poatoes than nothing right? Maybe...

This post was a waste of 1.09 bytes...

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Attempting yet another end.

I just sent yet another message to my ex, you know the one I missed Soo much. Yeah I pretty much said I'm sorry and I know it will never work out.

Two things I learned..
1. Girls are trouble
2. My mind is great at confusing me

BTW: every Friday will count as the days for my "cure"

Goodbye for now,

Friday, April 1, 2011

...this is not a diary

Hello person. I'm not quite sure how you ended up here but your slight visit is appreciated.

Fist of all, this is not a dairy, calling it that makes me feel feminine.
Next, this blog has some purpose at some points, while at others it's.... Well you'll see.
last thing, I'll post once or twice a week. The point in this blog is to catalog/organize thoughts... Just in case a terrible misfortune were to occur.

So I guess my first post should begin here, so here we go I guess...

Day 1,
I suppose it would he wise to introduce my self. I am young, i am tall, and my "other personality's" name is joey Peterson. I once enjoyed computers but now engines are my current direction. I'm usually in a bad mood and complain a lot.

That's me... In a nutshell anyway. So I guess this is the first day of my "cure" and I should note my thoughts as of this moment.
- I feel slightly depressed, not as much as normal but still. I feel unapriciated by everyone. Chores aren't enough for my parents, siblings only like to add to it ( I consider them to be more of a psychiatric stability test more than members of well... You know.) school sucks, like usual. I never should of left my old one, ( my home.) I had it so good. I had friends. I had myself. I had her. But I was so blind, and I pissed it all away for easier school work and a chance to cure my problem ( which failed by the way.)

Man. This girl. We only dated for about two weeks but, damn... I was so happy. I sent her a message a couple weeks ago, saying sorry and what not. She of course replied with an email that was so colorful it made the rest of the world turn to black and white. I think she said more than she thought she would though, which is good and bad cause I mean I enjoyed reading it but the whole time I was feeling like I was reigniting a flame that was put out a long time ago. That was... Until the end when she said "some things will never change" and "I miss you."

Ugh. I miss her so much. Sometimes running from memories isn't such a good idea.

I only hope I can see her again. And fix all my mistakes. ...I wish it were that easy.
-GC-